Off the STAGE was the hurt of not feeling Good Enough.
At the age of 6 my father was imprison, leaving me with out a male figure; it had it's effect. Costing me to very needy,also to cling to an individual who shows me a bit of attention. All my life I never heard the words " I LOVE YOU." from my father. Which soon lead me on a path of seeking it from a unhealthy "Friendship". I had many crushes, but my whole life I never had a boyfriend. (often tease or rejected through out my years in school) Fresh out of high school, my childhood friends and I decide to make music (end of year 2008).
( At this time my relationship with the LORD was distant.) Later Leading me to meet this guy that I grew to care about dearly. I was yet still a virgin, from using to be saved I vowed that I would save myself for my husband. But the Peer - pressure of close friends,teasing me often for keeping my virginity and the idea of love being physical, I didn't hold my conviction, giving myself away to him. It was on DECEMBER 22,2008. The next day was the 23RD, I READ his AWAY MESSAGE ON AIM, to my surprise he's trying to work things out with his ex-Girlfriend. As I laid in the back den of my house, I pull the covers over my head in CRIED. Placing a Tear face in my away message, he responds "DON'T SEE ME HAS BEING A BAD PERSON, YOU SAID YOU WAS GOING TO LOSE IT ANYWAY." Those where my words, but I made a mistake I couldn't take back. When hanging out with my friends, I told them I was no longer a virgin.(concealing all what else that happen) THEY LAUGHED AT ME AND CALL ME DUMB. I felt left out for being a Virgin, but then I felt dumb after losing it. Blinded by sin it was impossible to make good decisions for myself. Time passed and I keep him around in my life. He is the only guy I ever knew physical, although I made songs that express other wise. When it came to Him I WAS NOTHING MORE THEN JUST "FRIEND". I wanted his HEART, but it belong to someone else. It was very clear every time the 23rd of every month appear, he would express his love for her. Around this time I wouldn't hear from him. He would re establish his relationship with his ex every time there Anniversary approached . In they would break up. I WAITED TO CATCH EVERY REBOUND. I admired how he never cheated on her with me, he just would only call me after they fell out again. This went on for A year and a half. When the 18th of a month came near I knew, I wouldn't hear from him. I often counted down the days. I WAS FAMOUS IN THE EYES OF MANY GUYS, BUT THIS GUY EYES LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME. I BEGAN TO FEEL UGLY, DEPRESS AND HAVE VERY LOW-SELF ESTEEM, FEELING REJECTED. I Soon became a Weed addict,but the truth is I needed JESUS! It came to a point my friends told me to leave him alone altogether, but I had a hook in my nose and it was hurting me.There was sides of him I loved. I used to love to listen to him talk about his goal for life,being a photographer and his passion for fashion. Wanting to have is own apartment in Culver City.I often would stair at him,hoping to hear him say I meant something to him, but I never heard it. Many times after hanging out together, the very next day I would wake up and find there back together AGAIN. I use to think, couldn't he block me or deleted me to save me the pain of seeing it. The Pain was Great. There was one time in particular I thought I was pregnant. This was indeed a wake up call from the LORD. I BEGAN TO MAKE PLANS OF ABORTION, I said to my self "I can't never tell him this, I'm not that important to him." I was ready to face a abortion by myself, rather then facing the fear of a uncaring response. Our music was on high;tours,shows and so forth and my group members did not approve of what might have been happening. I PRAISE GOD today that I wasn't not pregnant. At this time I was half way done with this chapter in my life. AGAIN HE WENT BACK TO HER.This time I made up in my Mind I was through. Months passed I didn't see him. It was now our autograph signing at the FOX HILL MALL, inside the "UP AGAINST THE WALL STORE." he came. When I saw him I was nervous, I couldn't focus.I WAS STRONG UNTIL I SAW HIM. I walked up to hug and greet him first, and he brush me off in front of everyone. I wanted to leave. AFTER leaving he text me, expressing how he want to start all over again, I agreed. I went visited him for 3days straight bounding and catching up on things. ON DAY FOUR HE WAS BACK WITH HIS EX. Crying to my self in the silence of the night. This Backslider cried to the LORD " LORD HELP ME!" NO LONG AFTER HE SAVED ME. He GAVE ME STRENGTH TO WALK AWAY from THE FAME AND TO NEVER TURN BACK TO THAT PAIN IN HURT.Our last conversation I TOLD HIM " I FORGIVE YOU ."
UN-FORGIVENESS DOESN'T HURT THE ONE THAT NEED TO BE FORGIVEN,
Please understand this is in no wise to bash the character of this particular person. But to shine Light on young ladies who find there self not really knowing there worth. Before Jesus truly came back in my life I was ignorant of my worth. Before I backslided a Prophet told me " If you get out of the will of God, you will go through many things you didn't have to go through." There wasn't a time here words didn't play in my mind. The LORD HAS HEALED ME FROM ALL THE HURT,PAIN AND MEMORY OF THIS PORTION OF MY LIFE. You might have a broken heart today, but God came to set the captive free."He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) When the scripture says "bind up their wounds", that mean he take the hurt of the memory of it. DON'T BE BITTER AFTER YOUR HURT. PRAY IN ASK THE LORD TO MAKE YOU BETTER. You got a testimony of your own to tell, But it want become a testimony until you get the VICTORY over the Hurt. THE ONLY WAY OF DOING THAT IS GOING TO GOD IN PRAYER, IN ASKING HIM TO DO IT. " For God so love you that he gave his only Begotten son. . ." -John 3:16. If your clueless of your worth,God thought you was worth is only SON. The bible says "GOD IS LOVE" (1 John 4:8) Stop seeking it from guys and seek GOD ALMIGHTY! The bible says his loving kindness his better the LIFE. I'm now a celibate women of GOD, have been for Almost 3 years. Single by choice, as I wait on the LORD, in his proper timing he will send me a God fearing Husband. I KNOW MY WORTH NOW, AND IM WORTH A RING. In my ignorance I promoted fornication (sex before marriage), making music that degraded women values. I didn't respect myself how I talked about my body,but then I wanted a man to respect me? How a woman is treated, is how they present there selves. I cry words of wisdom to my generation of woman 'Aim High. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variablness, neither shadow of turning. -James 1:17 , (meaning: what the Lord bless you with has no error,blemish,or flaw.) In the palm of God hand for you is nothing but Great things, Receive it. I know the thoughts that I have towards you, thoughts of good and not of evil, but to give you an expected end a future and a hope - Jer 29:11 God has already paved the way for a good life to enjoy on earth, but that comes with the decision of following Christ Jesus. The benefits of true love, joy, peace and happiness is found only in GOD. I named those things cause that the things we look for in life, with hopes a mate can fulfill. Impossible. If that individual is with out the Lord in there life, they lack the same thing; not being able to give you what they don't have. Also, God want allow them to if they wanted to. God created every human with an whole in there Heart, where he's the only perfect fit. As your reading this, the LORD is knocking at the door of your heart, allow him in. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.- Revelation 3:20-
Allow,God to transform your life like he did mines. Allow the Lord to minister to your;broken heart,childhood hurts,disappointments,failure and mistakes. He wants to do a marvelous thing for you. While reading began to cry out to him. He's attentive to your cry, he tilts heaven just to hear you, that's how much you matter, that's how much your worth. He love's you with a everlasting love.